Rape in the Air Force: My Story
I was raped when I was in the Air Force. I was raped. The sentence still makes me feel disgusting and dirty. In fact, it took me almost five years to acknowledge what happened to me was actually a rape — mostly because I blamed myself. I was conditioned to blame myself.
The truth is, I cannot remember much of the night it happened, but I do remember enough to know what happened was not ok. It was December 31, 2007 in San Angelo, Texas — New Year’s Eve. I went to a bar to celebrate with two other women in my dorm. Lots of fellow Air Force students showed up and people from our little group we called the Brown Ropes. Being a Brown Rope was a fraternity inside the larger fraternity of the military. While the Brown Ropes were supposed to only contain new airmen, like myself, there were a few Staff Sergeants (SSgt) that were invited into the group. (On a side note, Brown Ropes were not an official org within the Air Force.) These were men we thought — I thought — we could trust.
That New Year’s Eve I was drinking heavily and knew to have a plan for a ride back to base. Drunk driving will get you kicked out immediately (cannot say the same for assaults). One of the SSgt’s was at the bar and claimed to be a designated driver for everyone. I decided I would save money and let him drive me, after all, I knew this guy and he had never been anything but respectful towards me. When we were going to leave he talked me into going to his apartment and napping on the couch while he went back to the bar. He told me everyone was coming to his house to continue the celebrations when the bar closed. I remember being in the bar, finishing a drink as he smiled at me. I ended up leaving before everyone since I was not feeling well. The truth is, I don’t remember getting to his house. I still do not remember how I got back to the dorms. I sometimes wonder if I had been drugged because I remember leaving the bar, but I do not remember getting to his apartment or leaving it. Only the brief moment of coming to and seeing him on top of me, saying disgusting things.
The sad thing is, this man is now a father of all girls. I wonder if his outlook has changed — if he would be ok with what he did to me, happening to his daughters? It’s something that makes me afraid for them—for girls that are not mine.
To this day, I wish I could remember everything. I spent a lot of time blaming myself. If I would not have had that tank top on it would not have happened. If I were not so flirty he would not have done that (I was never flirty with him). If I did not drink he would not have done that. I was a woman who was exploring my sexuality which lead to many consensual encounters with men, so the thought to report never occurred to me, because I figured I would be accused of being a slut. I convinced myself it was all my fault and decided it could not be rape.
The fact is, it was. I was taken advantage of by a person who I thought would look out for me. I trusted a sober man to be my DD and get me somewhere safe — instead I was raped. I did not get to make the choice whether or not I wanted to have sex with this guy—it was made for me. I was ashamed. I stopped partying for the rest of the time I was in tech school and became somewhat reclusive until I left San Angelo.
When I was new to the Air Force, the Sexual Assault Prevention Program (SAPR) was also relatively new, however, everyone knew not to actually go and report a sexual assault. There were tons of horror stories, much like the horror stories troops hear about going to mental health for help. The restricted and unrestricted reporting system was confusing — they always made reporting sound ominous and like there would be some type of unspoken consequence — like “Here’s our SAPR program. ::wink wink:: Use it at your own risk.” Men I would work with would complain about how they seemed to be the targets of the briefings. They felt singled out. Because of the extra training, resentment flourished within the ranks among men. Depending on your Commander, you also knew what kind of climate you were working in and whether or not it would be a truly viable option if there were any assault. Most women opted to just forget, but we never really forget.
Today as I watched Nora O’Donnell’s special on rape in the Armed Forces, it made me think about my own experience. It made me think about the women who were brave enough to come forward, albeit futilely, without going through that period of denial. All the women I had met along my journey who had similar experiences, but kept to themselves — everyone trying to forget. It made me think of how we talk about people in the military. How we “love our troops.” The sad truth is, we only love them as long as they serve their purpose. We love the idea of our military men and women, we do not actually love them though.
We start off dehumanizing people right from the start. You are just a body. When deployments are filled — they ask for bodies. When people need to rapidly deploy we need boots on the ground. When something needs delivering — they ask for heavies. The list goes on and on. People in the military are objects. Objects cannot have feelings. Objects cannot object. Objects cannot be raped. Objects are expendable and when objects cause disruption and disrepair in a unit, they can readily be replaced with an object that does not make a fuss. Many commanders, not all, are more invested in their careers than making the actual military a place where people can excel. You cannot have morale or cohesion when one person has been sexually assaulted and then harassed or retaliated against for trying to protect themselves. What you can have are suicides, turmoil, and the Commander’s promotion despite their blatant denial and refusal to help victims in favor of their career.
The only option I see, since no one actually has any intention of protecting victims, is for those victims to personally sue each person individually in a court of law, especially if they have evidence of the assault and retaliation. While members cannot sue the specific department, there is nothing that says they cannot bring individuals into Civil Court and sue for damages. If people are going to be nonchalant about ruining someone’s life, victims should be nonchalant in the dogged pursuit of protecting themselves and their livelihood. For me, just getting a ruling in my favor and having it acknowledged legally, in court, that my claim was valid would be enough for me. Like Elie Wiesel said, “There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.” Victims should not be afraid to make waves, even if it seems like the hard road. Making waves and rocking the boat is the only way to get substantial change. That is why I am deciding to tell my story.
